Hawks Hockey Hoiden

All morning, the local hockeyverse has been batting around this little gem, “Hockey etiquette for the new Blackhawks fan” from Jay Zawaski of AM 670’s “The Score.”  Apparently folks think it’s quite clever, so I thought I’d add my two cents.  While some of the recommendations for fans at the United Center are good ones, like #1’s “Wait for a whistle,” others are a bit elitist.  Perhaps Mr. Zawaski could remember that not everyone has been raised on hockey since they were a fetus; some of us need a little help. 

For instance, I started going to the games at the United Center last year, though I’d been watching hockey for years, and when I had a question, I would, gulp, ask people around me for the information.  I distinctly remember one kindly older gentleman (emphasis on the gentleman) who had been watching Blackhawks games since the 60s.  He patiently answered many of my questions and we ended up having a very pleasant chat.  He taught me hockey etiquette as well as some of the nuances of the game.  He didn’t chide me for my ignorance, and seemed to jump at the chance to educate a burgeoning hockey fan. So why does there have to be this seeming territorial urination with hockey?  If anyone has the right to be territorial about hockey it’s Canadians, but notice the last thing they are is territorial.  In fact, my favorite comments on this site have come from Canadians.  They truly love hockey and instead of expecting newbies to immediately understand all the unwritten rules, they, and get this, kindly explain things to the newer fans.  I’ve seen them do it, so I know it to be true.

Zawaski paints a picture of a young, drunken fratboy, wearing a jersey as a fad, not because he’s actually aware of which hockey player the name on the back of his jersey is; someone who drunkenly stumbles into the United Center because he had nothing better to do.  Ok, yes, there are those fans, and so I understand your frustration.  Last time I went to the United Center I sat behind the goal because my tickets had been a gift (can’t look a gift horse in the mouth) and I had to endure, for an entire period, some loud-mouthed drunk describing his erotic massage and “happy ending.” But compare the “happy-ender” to the gentleman I sat next to last season, and obviously the good fans far outweigh the bad. You just gotta put blinders on sometimes and go on with things.  This is true in life too is it not?  And if I really analyzed the whole “happy-ending” guy more closely, I’d be more inclined to feel sorry for him than to scorn him.  How insecure do you have to be in your masculinity to be describing to an entire section of sports fans your paid sexual exploits?

As Zawaski points out, some of the younger men do use sporting events to get wasted and act ridiculously, the “happy-ender” being case in point.  However, this behavior can be ignored, because even drunk, most of them can tell that they’re annoying everybody and usually they move on during the next period.

What bothers me more is sports elitism.  I hate it when some men pretend to know something when they clearly don’t. When I don’t understand what has happened in a game, I regularly ask those around me.  Last time I was at the UC, a Hawks opponent got called for ‘diving.’  It had been a while since I’d seen that call, so when it appeared as ‘div’ on the jumbotron I didn’t immediately know what it meant.  I asked around me and got some utterly ridonkulous answers.  I looked it up on the internet and then had a better understanding of what was going on in the game.  So why do some men feel they have to give an answer even when they clearly don’t know? I guess these “know-it-alls” are contented being ignorant, but my curiosity gets the better of me.  Perhaps I get away with asking questions at the game because I’m a chick, but how are guys who don’t know hockey supposed to learn this game?  Maybe if veteran hockey fans like Zawaski would educate these newbies, you know, in a nicer way, they might behave themselves better because they would then have a vested interest in the game.

Perhaps Zawaski and others making fun of hockey newbies could learn by Bears’ fans example.  Several years back I was lucky enough to sit next to a bunch of plumbers at a Bears game.  These guys were the epitome of the “superfans” made famous by Chris Farley, George Wendt, et al on Saturday Night Live.  They were middle-aged, blue-collar, with the mustaches and the dark glasses.  I don’t know why SNL would make fun of fans like these.  They were genuinely kind gentlemen and explained a lot of the new rules and calls I didn’t readily understand.  They didn’t look down their noses at me.  They didn’t run home to write a blog post about the ignorant girl they sat next to who didn’t know the NFL’s 1200-page addendum to its existing volume of rules.  They just calmly and intelligently explained the new rules of the game.

I don’t see unruly fratboys at Bears games either.  I think that’s because the Bears culture takes care of its own. As expensive as Bears tickets are, fans probably inform unruly fans of their unruliness and the problem is promptly taken care of.  Barring that, I’m sure they get an usher’s escort out.  I certainly saw this kind of enforcement when I was in Milwaukee last year watching the Cubs play the Houston Astros (more widely known as Carlos Zambrano’s no-hitter).  Baseball doesn’t seem to put up with any kind of ruckus whatsoever.

So Mr. Zawaski and others making sport of newbie hockey fans, maybe you could rise to the occasion and proudly take on the  responsibility of helping new fans ramp up to the game (much like the kindly, older gentleman did for me at the UC last year).  Instead of yelling angrily at people to “wait for the whistle” perhaps you could kindly explain to them why they should.  Even a “Please wait for the whistle” would suffice.

And maybe, Mr. Zawaski, you could be a little more tolerant.  What business is it of yours what somebody writes on their jersey?  And why are you counting how many times (”Wait until there is [a stoppage in play], then go pee for the 27th time.”) someone goes to the bathroom?  Are you a bathroom attendant as well as a crowd critic?  Ever hear of a condition called “overactive bladder”?  I have it and at times it is hell.  It gives no warning, creeping up unexpectedly, even when I don’t have a drop to drink, and sure as hell does not “wait for the whistle.”  So maybe, just maybe, we could cut our fellow human beings a little slack.

Mr. Zawaski and others of hockey’s old guard have a unique opportunity to pay it forward to future hockey generations.  After all, someone did that for you once did they not? So please try to be patient with those new to hockey, help them out, and kindly instruct them in how they should be and what they should do.  We all live in a world of our own making, and if the UC is a microcosm of society, which it is, and there are those new to that society, maybe they could use your wisdom and guidance in understanding the unwritten rules of that society.  As that Chinese proverb goes, “Give a man a fish, you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime.” Sure, it may feel good for the moment to be elitist, to make fun of people who aren’t in on the joke from the comfort of your office where they can’t defend themselves, but wouldn’t it be better to teach someone how to fish instead of continually smacking them upside the head with that fish?

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 14th, 2009 at 3:23 pm and is filed under Chicago Blackhawks, United Center. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.